As a leadership coach working closely with clients, and in my own life, I frequently encounter a common hurdle: the use of “should” statements or “shoulding” ourselves. Coined by psychologist Clayton Barbeau,”shoulding yourself” means imposing expectations on yourself or others. So many clients often say things like “ I should be starting a podcast” or “I should be farther along in building my website”. These statements often pop into our minds automatically, dictating what we feel obliged to do rather than what we genuinely want or need.

While these ‘should’ statements are so common, they’re not very productive. Let’s explore why.

 What “Should” Really Means 

Think about typical “should” statements: “I should exercise more”, “I should have finished that project by now”, or “I should be able to handle this”. These phrases carry an undertone of obligation and guilt, making certain actions seem necessary rather than chosen. They reflect automatic thoughts that lack the careful consideration of reasons and consequences that clear thinking entails. 

Rather than being in auto-pilot mode, ask yourself why you think you should do something, and if there’s a solid reason, focus on that. For example: “Preparing for tomorrow’s presentation now will help me feel more confident and perform better” is useful. It helps you decide. But a response such as “I should work late” without a reason just makes you feel guilty. It doesn’t help you choose. 

Obviously we all have real responsibilities, but automatic “shoulds” drain us, leading to stress, resentment, and decreased job satisfaction. They can even hurt your job performance and relationships over time.

The Downsides of “Should” 

Continuous “shoulding” can lead to unnecessary guilt. This guilt isn’t necessarily about moral failure but about not meeting self-imposed or externally influenced expectations. It creates a cycle where tasks associated with “should” become burdensome, leading to procrastination and avoidance.

We learn this habit early in life, often from authority figures like parents and teachers who set expectations that we internalize as absolute truths. As adults, these “shoulds” persist, shaping our decisions and self-image. However, as individuals, we have the autonomy to challenge these expectations and redefine our relationship with obligations.

The Freedom to Choose  

Recognizing our ability to choose offers a powerful shift in mindset. It transforms passive obligations into active decisions. Instead of saying, “I should do this,” we can say, “I choose to do this.” This shift empowers us and aligns our actions more closely with our personal values and goals.

By replacing “should” with “choose,” we acknowledge that every action has consequences. It encourages us to think critically about our decisions, considering not only immediate desires but also long-term implications. This deliberate approach fosters a sense of responsibility and ownership over our lives, moving us away from guilt-driven actions towards purposeful choice.

Why “Choose” Works Better 

Choosing over “shoulding” promotes action and autonomy. It shifts our mindset from one of obligation to one of choice and power. When we recognize our choices, we become more mindful of our decisions’ impact.

How to Make the Change 

So, how do we break free from the “should’ mentality? It all starts with awareness. Notice when “should” thoughts arise and consciously replace them with “choose” or “want to”. This simple change can have a huge effects on our productivity. It encourages us to approach tasks not out of guilt but out of genuine desire aligned with our personal values.

 Wrap-up 

The shift from “shoulding” on ourselves goes beyond semantics; it represents a change in how we navigate our choices. Embracing the language of choice paves the way for more meaningful actions and a deeper sense of fulfillment in all aspects of life.

How often do you catch yourself “shoulding”? I am here to help you! 

In 2024, what’s now called “shiny object syndrome” is a very common challenge for women leaders. Similar to the Diderot effect, where acquiring one new item triggers a cascade of unnecessary purchases, shiny object syndrome leads you to chase every new idea or opportunity, often at the expense of your core goals. Here’s how to spot it, manage it effectively, and stay focused on what truly matters to you:

Spot Shiny Object Syndrome

Shiny object syndrome occurs when you get caught up in new ideas or opportunities that don’t support your main goals. It tempts you to start new projects without completing what truly counts. Notice it when you feel pulled in different directions or when your attention drifts away from what’s most important.

Define Your Goals

Start by defining clear, specific goals for yourself. Whether it’s advancing in your career, launching a passion project, or achieving personal milestones, clarity about your objectives helps you distinguish between opportunities that support your vision and distractions that don’t.

Stay Connected to Your Vision

Keep your focus on the bigger picture—what you envision for your future. Regularly visualize yourself achieving your goals and remind yourself why they are important. This mental clarity shields you from distractions and keeps you motivated to stay on track, making it easier to say no to shiny distractions.

Set Boundaries

Not every opportunity contributes to your goals. Before committing, ask yourself: Does this move me closer to my desired outcome, or does it divert my focus? Developing the skill to decline distractions is crucial. Establish clear boundaries around your time, energy, and resources to prioritize activities that genuinely contribute to your success.

Make Smart Choices

Use the SMART method (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) when evaluating ideas and opportunities. Focus on those that support your long-term vision and have clear objectives. This approach ensures your efforts are directed towards activities that yield tangible results, rather than fleeting trends.

Manage Your Time Wisely

Your time is valuable. Allocate dedicated time for tasks that propel you toward your goals. This focused approach minimizes less critical tasks and propels you forward. Prioritize tasks based on their impact and leverage tools to monitor progress and deadlines effectively.

Build Your Support System

Surround yourself with individuals who support your aspirations. Whether they are mentors, colleagues, or supportive networks, their encouragement keeps you motivated and accountable. Connecting with like-minded peers who share your goals provides valuable insights and inspiration for personal and professional growth.

Reflect and Adjust

Regularly review your progress. Reflect on whether your current activities support your primary goals or pose distractions in disguise. This introspection helps you stay focused on what truly matters, resisting the allure of shiny objects that could derail your progress. Journaling, meditation, or discussions with trusted mentors can offer clarity and guidance.

Celebrate Your Wins

Every achievement, no matter how small, deserves acknowledgment. Celebrating your successes reinforces your commitment to your main objectives and strengthens your resolve to resist shiny distractions. Recognize your progress, learn from your experiences, and leverage each accomplishment as motivation to pursue your primary goals with clarity and determination.

Applying the Lesson to Self-Leadership

The Diderot effect highlights how acquiring one new thing often triggers unnecessary purchases. Similarly, in self-leadership, chasing every new idea or trend can scatter your focus and drain your energy without advancing your long-term objectives. By maintaining clarity on your goals, establishing boundaries, and making deliberate choices that support your vision, you cultivate resilience and steer yourself toward success.

WOOHOO! 

Stressed about this? Don’t be. I am here to help you! 

Ever find yourself replaying that awkward meeting from last week or stressing about next month’s project deadline? Our minds are like time machines, flipping between past regrets and future worries. But what if the key to being most effective today is simply being here now?

What Does “Stay Present” Actually Mean And Feel Like?

We’ve all heard the overused advice to “stay present in the moment,” but what does it actually mean and feel like in real life? Being truly present feels like you’re fully immersed and engaged in the current activity. You feel peace and contentment, not pulled in many directions. It’s consciously focusing your attention on what’s happening right now, without getting lost in thoughts about the past or future—fully experiencing and engaging with your current surroundings, tasks, and relationships.

The Cost of Mental Time Travel

Living in the past or future isn’t just distracting; it’s draining. Worrying about things you can’t change or control saps your energy. This constant mental tug-of-war leaves you exhausted and less productive. When your mind fixates on yesterday’s mistakes or tomorrow’s challenges, you miss out on the only moment where action is possible—right now.

Why the Present Moment Is Key

Being present is where you find your power. It’s where you’re most focused, creative, and effective. Your interactions improve, stress levels drop, and you can take meaningful steps forward.

The World’s Constant Pull

The world doesn’t make it easy to stay present:

• Back-to-School Ads in July: Before summer ends, we’re already thinking about fall.
• Christmas Sales in October: Holidays are hyped up months in advance.
• Social Media Alerts: Notifications keep us glued to screens, distracting us from right now.
• News Cycles: Non-stop updates keep us dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

Tips to Stay Present

Here are practical ways to cue yourself back into the present moment:

• Create Cues: Notice the sensations in your body, the sounds around you, and the details of your environment. This mindfulness technique anchors you in the present.
• Mindful Breaks: Schedule short pauses to breathe and reset. Check-in with yourself to regain focus.
• Single-tasking: Focus on one task at a time rather than multitasking. Dedicate your attention fully to each task for more effective performance and presence.
• Building the Present Moment Muscle: Train your mind by gently bringing your attention back when lost in thought—it’s like strengthening a muscle with each thought rep.

Takeaway

Staying present taps into your most productive energy. Take a deep breath and bring your attention back to this present moment—where your real power lies.

Are you ready to take the first step toward a more focused you? Book your complimentary call with me here!

Ever catch yourself thinking, “This is hard,” “I can’t do this,” or “This is embarrassing,” and feeling like there’s no way you’re going to do “this”? We’ve all been there. It’s that knot in your stomach, that gnawing feeling that makes you want to take the easy route just to avoid it.

Let’s face it—feeling uncomfortable is part of life, and it’s challenging. But dodging all discomfort has become a bad habit for many of us, and it’s holding us back. Our brains are wired to spot discomfort as a potential threat, but most of the time, those threats aren’t real at all. When we recognize this and choose to face discomfort because of what awaits us on the other side, we take charge of creating exactly what we want.

Why Dodging All Discomfort Backfires

In my coaching practice, I see it all the time. Dodging discomfort drains energy and blocks my clients from opportunities, slowing their progress. Most of the time, there’s no real danger—just uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Yes, those thoughts and feelings can feel intense, but once you allow for them, they lose their grip on you. When we understand this and decide we can handle some because it’s not a real threat, that’s where the magic happens. It’s usually the direct path to what we truly value and the results we want.

It Isn’t Always a Threat

Not every uncomfortable feeling means danger to our safety. Most do not. Often, it’s just our mind reacting to new or challenging situations. These feelings can mislead us. The key is recognizing when discomfort is just a signal of going outside of your comfort zone and deciding it’s worth bearing. This shift in perspective can lead to incredible outcomes.

The Cost of Avoiding

Whether it’s staying quiet in meetings, avoiding tough conversations, or putting off tasks we don’t like, this habit holds us back. When you don’t allow yourself to tolerate feeling uncomfortable enough to make a change or figure something out, you actually increase another more intense type of discomfort – the pain of not creating the result you want badly. 

Everyday Examples of Dodging Discomfort

• Speaking Up: You have a brilliant idea in a meeting but stay silent, fearing judgment.
• Difficult Conversations: You avoid addressing issues with colleagues to avoid conflict.
• New Opportunities: You pass on career advancements because you fear rejection.

Each of these moments is an opportunity for growth and success. By choosing to face discomfort because we believe we can handle it and because what’s on the other side aligns with our values, we move closer to our goals.

Strategies to Handle Discomfort

• Focus on Your Goals: When faced with a challenging task or presentation, remind yourself why it matters. Keeping your goal in mind shifts your focus from discomfort to achievement.
• Live Your Values: Identify your core values and let them guide your actions. If growth and contribution are important to you, working through discomfort—like speaking up or taking on challenging projects—becomes a natural expression of your values.
• Challenge Yourself: Stepping outside your comfort zone allows you to confront exaggerated fears and realize that discomfort is temporary. Each small step builds resilience and confidence.
• Identify What You’re Avoiding: Make a list of tasks or situations you’ve been avoiding due to discomfort. Understanding the underlying fears—whether it’s fear of embarrassment, rejection, or failure—helps demystify discomfort and encourages you to take action.

How to Manage Discomfort: What You Truly Want is on the Other Side

By reacting impulsively or retreating from discomfort, we often choose temporary relief over long-term growth. Avoiding it may seem like a safe option, but it ultimately leads us away from our desires. Remember, what you truly want is often on the other side of discomfort. Don’t fall into the trap of dodging it. Take small, deliberate steps to acknowledge and move through discomfort, and watch how it propels you toward your goals.

Ready to overcome what’s holding you back? I am here to help you every step of the way. Book a complimentary call with me here and let’s start transforming discomfort into your greatest opportunity for growth.